


Getting Friendly

by mystiri1



Category: Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Humor, M/M, Sexual Harassment, Tentacles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-29
Updated: 2010-08-29
Packaged: 2017-10-11 07:44:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/110060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mystiri1/pseuds/mystiri1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Having tentacles isn't all that bad, as they can be surprisingly useful.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Getting Friendly

As far as Reno was concerned, weird shit just went hand-in-hand with working for ShinRa. Dangerous specimens, bizarre experiments, flying SOLDIERs and undead ex-Turks - he'd seen them all. Of course, it had never been such a personal issue before now, but he quickly discovered that having tentacles wasn't all bad.

Once he got over the initial shock, anyway.

It was true that a lot of people were alarmed by his new appearance, but he'd been a Turk for over a decade, and just the suit could get that response sometimes. He really didn't give a damn about what most people thought, anyway. And they were surprisingly useful.

They were a lot stronger than he expected for something so long and skinny-looking, and they stretched a great deal. This proved quite handy as he could swipe things off people's desks without them ever noticing - after all, most people paid attention to his hands - and that included stealing Elena's pens from across the room whenever she wasn't looking. This was always worthwhile entertainment, because while the blonde Turk looked innocent, and even relatively brainless, she had a vocabulary that would make a hardened sailor blush. More, she tried very hard not to use it. Making her forget and curse as she hunted for the pen she'd just been using was fun, but the real amusement was when she realised that other people had heard her.

Sooner or later, she was likely to realise he was at fault, but Reno figured he'd deal with that when the time came.

He could also stand in a crowded elevator and grope secretaries without them ever knowing it was him. They'd look at whoever was nearby, not the Turk standing in the far corner. Reno had watched more than a few puzzled executives get slapped by an outraged woman who was certain that they'd just grabbed her ass. The secretarial pool deserved it - most of them wore heels. Reno appreciated a nice swing to the hips as much as the next male, but they spent most of the day seated behind a desk anyway, and those things were _dangerous_.

And given what he actually did for a living, they were really useful in a fight. While most people could block a kick or a punch easily enough, a dozen fully-prehensile tentacles, each of which was capable of exerting a great deal of force, complicated things beyond measure.

Of course, there were a few drawbacks, too. Sometimes Reno swore the things had a mind of their own, and he was trying to learn how to stop them from giving away his mood. It was hard to pull off a convincing 'bored' expression when his tentacles insisted on wriggling about like a litter of happy puppies.

He was just grateful Rude didn't say anything about how his new appendages had a tendency towards cuddling. The first time it happened he got an amused look from behind lowered shades; after that Rude just ignored it, as if it was perfectly normal that his partner's tentacles were hugging him.

All in all, he was feeling pretty good about life in general when Tseng called him into his office.

The head of the Turks shuffled some papers about on his desk, then folded his hands and looked at Reno. "I've been getting some interesting reports lately, and thought you might be able to deal with them."

Reno perked up, thinking of possible new assignments, then Tseng continued. "First of all, there have been a rash of petty thefts within the company lately. Nothing major, but the consequences have proven to be somewhat... unusual." He picked up one piece of paper. "For example, the Assistant Director of Human Resources got into a catfight with one of the accountants after she accused him of stealing her prized fern, which usually sits on her desk. He claims he has no idea how it got into his office. They both ended up in the infirmary, him with a black eye and a loosened tooth, and her with some rather nasty scratches and several chunks of hair missing."

Reno managed not to laugh, but it was hard. He'd met the AD of Human Resources, and she barely topped out at 5'2", but she had a reputation for a formidable temper. It appeared that it was well-earned.

"The entire accounting department had their coffee cups stolen. These were later found in one of the reception areas, masquerading as abstract art. As they were all firmly glued together, they had to be replaced, and several reports were delayed due to problems arising from lack of caffeine." Tseng's face was its usual bland mask, so it was hard to tell what he thought of all this. "Finally, all the staplers in the secretarial pool went missing last week, and were found only yesterday on a shelf in the back of the fourth floor janitors'closet."

There was a long pause. Apparently, Tseng was waiting for Reno to say something. "That sounds... uh, bad."

"Yes," Tseng said slowly. "But I'm sure if you look into it, it will stop. Immediately."

Reno squirmed. Okay, so maybe he had better tone it down a little, especially as Tseng knew who was responsible. "I'll get right on it."

"Thank you. If nothing else, perhaps Elena will stop being so paranoid about people stealing her pens."

Dammit, Reno swore silently. Did Tseng have to spoil all his fun?

"Another problem that has been brought to my attention is the increasing number of complaints about sexual harassment. There have been enough of those that it was decided to run a company-wide workshop on dealing with sexual harassment in the workplace." Tseng's eyes narrowed. "It is mandatory, so you will attend. However, I do remember what happened last time." He smiled.

That, Reno knew, was a bad sign.

"You will be attending, and you will be tied to your chair, with all," he stressed the word, "your limbs restrained, and a gag, so that you can neither ask questions or volunteer for any demonstrations. Further, as some of our female employees seem to be having problems, I thought a self-defense course was in order. They will be taking sign-ups at the workshop; I assigned you and Rude as instructors."

Reno's jaw dropped. That was hitting below the belt. Making him teach self-defense to clueless beginners was bad enough, but dragging his partner into it? "Boss, that's -"

"My decision, Reno, and I trust that you will not argue-" Tseng stopped, the stone face slipping and an odd expression taking its place. He cleared his throat, then blinked a few times. "Reno, is that you, uh, touching my leg?"

Reno's eyes widened and he glanced down, to see that several of his tentacles had stretched their way under Tseng's desk. As if that was all it took, he became aware of the sensory input coming back from them: expensive wool fabric with a tightly muscled calf underneath, the curl of one limb about an ankle, and another that was gradually questing higher in curiousity.

He'd never been one to embarrass easily - you needed a sense of shame for that, and more than one person had claimed he was absolutely shameless - but Reno's face flushed red then paled, and he was certain that he was about to die of sheer mortification. Or possibly something a great deal more painful. It was one thing when his tentacles got friendly with Rude, but this was Tseng. Tseng, who was - okay, really kind of hot-looking, but also extremely dangerous and likely to kill Reno for groping him. Tseng was not the kind of man people groped.

In a flash, his tentacles retracted, knotting beneath him in a ball of anxiety. "Uh, sorry about that."

Tseng stared at him for a long moment, but all he said was, "I will let you know the times and dates for the workshop and your new classes."

It sounded like a dismissal, and Reno was more than willing to see it that way. "I'll get back to work, then!" Reno said with uncharacteristic enthusiasm, and he shot out the door. He didn't stop until he reached his own desk, where he sagged, trembling at the realisation that he'd actually survived the experience.

"Reno?"

He looked up to see both Rude and Elena staring at him with expressions of concern, although it was Elena who actually spoke. "What's wrong?"

"I... I..."

"What? Are you in trouble?"

"I just groped Tseng!"

Elena's jaw dropped, and she spluttered, although he wasn't sure whether it was in outrage or jealousy. Rude just sighed and shook his head.

Reno flopped down into his chair, tentacles spilling over the edge of the seat like a waterfall. A few indolently draped themselves over the arms, ends waving slightly. He stared at one of them with an expression of betrayal.

He'd survived Sephiroth, Meteor, Remnants, and, against all logic, one of the screwiest biological weapons to ever come out of Hojo's labs. But it occurred to him, as he scowled at the unlikely 'side effect', that unless he could learn how to stop them acting on his unconscious impulses - and Reno was not exactly known for his impressive self-control - that last just might kill him yet.


End file.
